Elegant Doom

Gary Sinise: Genetic Freak?

Sure, he's a hellovan actor.  But did you know that he's also a physical freak?  It isn't a secret that Gary Sinise's big break came when he was chosen to play Lieutenant Dan in that bench-bound soundtrack of a movie Forrest Gump.  What most people don't realize, though, is that, in the quest to hopelessly taint the English language and further cement the rest of the nation's assumption that all Southerners are at least mildly mentally handicapped, the producers spent way too much money (JFK required a seriously fancy trailer).  Gary Sinise got the role not only through his fine acting skills, but also through his willingness to cut production costs by hacking off his own legs. 

It isn't entirely clear from what we know if Sinise knew at the time that his legs would grow back.  It seems unlikely, though, that he was unaware of his spectacular regenerative abilities.  What we do know of his extraordinary body raises only questions, not answers.  His body holds almost exactly double what a normal, similarly-sized body would.  He can regenerate himself nearly perfectly, but only from the belly-button down.  His left arm is perfectly symmetrical to all appearances, but is almost seven times as strong.  His armpit hair is as coarse and strong as steel wool.  We know all of this, but what we don't know at all is why.

Gary Sinise doesn't act much these days.  Along with his physical prowess, it seems that he was blessed with a strong sense of justice.  He now donates the use of his freakish sense of smell and microscopic vision to the NYPD (as well as his encyclopedic knowledge of Random Shit), working as a detective and crime scene investigator.  Even better, he is an unpaid producer on the documentary television show CSI:NY, which raises awareness of the issues and struggles that the NYPD face every day.

Gary Sinise:  Freak.  Hero.

Crazy Raspberry Ants: the End of All This?

That's right, Crazy Raspberry Ants.  They're freaking real, and that's actually what they're freaking called.
Crazy.  Raspberry.  Ants.  You heard me.  Well, read me.
What nobody really seems to be talking about, though, is that this may be the beginning of the end for this wacky experiment called "humanity."  These evil little bastards have invaded Houston, and they're waging war.  Effectively.  They're smart: if you put down pesticide, they use their own dead to build a bridge over it.  They don't fall for the traditional "pride of the hill" mentality that is a great weakness for most ants, so they're willing to have more than one queen per colony (any engineer can tell you that redundant systems means harder to destroy).  They also aren't affected by most of our pesticides, and, let's face it, without WMDs against ants, we're pretty well fucked.  They also like to kill.  Right now they're mostly sticking to bird hatchlings and such, but it won't be long before they move up to pets, then hobos, and from there it'll probably be the President (and by then it might be someone we'd miss!).  They kill fire ants, which is very good, but they also like to bite humans, which is less good.

I know what you're thinking: "even though they're tougher than most other ants, why are you so scared, Chicken Little?"  Well, first of all, I'm incapable of human fear, and I told you to stop calling me that.  Second, it's because they know our weaknesses.  They go after the two things that we can't live without: food and the internet.  They enjoy killing crop plants by boring tiny holes in the lower stems and sucking out the juices.  Those are OUR juices!  Even more dastardly, these tiny evil fucks attack and destroy electronics.  They're already causing havoc in Houston (no relation to the metal band of the same name, which I assume exists in South America) by taking out the electronics that control pumping stations and other public works.  It's not long before they're doing all the stuff that that guy who was in Hitman did in Die Hard 4 (more properly: Live Free or Die Hard).

So, what can we do?  Well, in times like this, we normally turn to our traditional ally in all things insect, the Bees.  However, the Bees are having their own troubles these days: Colony Collapse Disorder.  They're disappearing in ridiculously huge numbers.  Do you think that the rise of the Crazy Raspberry Ants and the fall of the Bees is a coincidence?  Of course it isn't, you silly, ignorant son of a bitch.  The question we have to be asking ourselves is this: what exactly is the connection?  I have three theories:

1.)  Our Government, in it's infinite wisdom, saw the writing on the wall with our new foe's arrival by cargo ship in 2002.  They started calling in our Bee allies for Special Forces training, and soon they will be unleashed upon the Ants.  I have faith that they will win.

2.)  The Ants are behind the demise of the Bees.  They know that the Bees have been allied with Humanity for centuries, and they are sending out their own specially-trained small invasion forces to destroy hives across the country.  Most likely many of the Bees that have disappeared are actually deep in hiding.

3.)  The Ants have gotten to the Bees.  They have convinced them to sit this one out or, Heaven forbid, to actually throw off the heavy yoke of Humanity and ally with the Ants.  If this is the case, then, to quote Einstein, "We are well and truly as thoroughly fucked as Oppenheimer's mom." 

Our only other option is what we've been kicking around the office here at the Elegant Doom Think Tank headquarters.  It is the same option that we had to resort to during the great Independence Day Invasion of 1997: we must Nuke Houston (no relation to the metal band of the same name, which I assume exists in South America).  I mean, really, what have we got to lose?

Tangelina Jolie

Tangerine trees: the sluttiest tree in the animal kingdom.  What, you think that delicious Tangelos are the product of some sort of sick crossbreeding experiment by horticulturists?  No, while those botanical ne'er-do-wells will screw with nature just about any way you can think of, even they can't compete with how prolifically seductive those orange-fruited bastards can be.  What's worse, the unnatural offspring are generally twisted, perverse, and violently evil creatures (like tangelos often are).  Even Hollywood celebrities, Nature's royalty, aren't immune to their charm.  Legendary star of film and television Jon Voight (star of such classics as National Treasure 2 and that movie where Ice Cube fights the giant rubber snake) fell for the uncanny charm of a tangerine tree.  After a wonderful 17-month pregnancy, Jon (the Poor Man's Christopher Walken) gave birth to the dangerous crossbreed that we today call Tangelina Jolie (who drinks the blood of orphans and sometimes acts as her half-sister's stunt double).

Sea Turtles: Aquatic Mammals or Terrorists?

New evidence seems to surface every day that indicates that there may well be a vast Sea Turtle conspiracy to destroy humanity.  Look, I'm not saying that this is true, or that it isn't true.  They certainly are cute.  But isn't is possible that this cuteness is nothing more than a ruse, a diversion to distract us from their evil ways?  While we're out making these animals into movie stars and putting them on our license plates, are they undermining our society through acts of fear and death?   Shouldn't we take precautions, just to be sure?  What are they doing sneaking silently up our beaches in the dead of night?  I say we throw floodlights on them to make sure that they aren't planting explosive devices designed to kill America's richest (and thus best and most important) people.