In a discussion with some of the other members of the Elegant Doom Think Tank, this announcement from the White House was mentioned. We discussed the ramifications at some length. We have typed records of many of our conversations here because, as you probably know, Elegant Doom employs only the deaf. While we normally destroy these records at the end of each day for National Security reasons, I felt that this one was a good representation of how things work around here, and it is one of our rare discussions that contained little classified information. Thus, we decided to post it here to give our loyal readers an idea of what goes on here. The names in the transcripts are changed to protect our secret identities, of course.
A: So President Bush recognizes the threat of vampires and has started to
recruit vampire slayers to combat the problem? That's good, i guess.
B: It is good. I'm not sure that they're going about it in entirely the
right way, nor do I have much faith in their ability to execute this
plan. What's important, though, is that the problem is being
recognized and publicly acknowledged at just below the highest levels
of our Executive Branch.
A: Honestly I believe he's pandering to save face at the end of this
travesty he's so brazenly called a presidency. The vampire problem has
been around for years, and some very influential people think it is the
most important thing affecting America today. But you are right--this
won't solve it.
J: It's true that vampires are a huge threat to this nation. But it's an
easy win, I mean no one likes Vampires - he's clearly just pandering
with a project that everyone will get behind. I notice how he totally
ignores the issues that have a lot of Americans torn, like Black Lagoon
Creatures and Mummies.
A: Personally, I think that if they hadn't encroached on the Black Lagoon in the first
place, we wouldn't have that problem. Relegating them to reservations
and denying them their homeland is barbaric. They were susceptible to
our diseases and our vice--now the few of them that are still alive
either work in casinos or drink all the time.
Just because the Black Lagoon has the nicest golf course in the
country now, and is a favorite vacation spot for the rich and famous
doesn't mean it doesn't rightfully belong to those proud beautiful fish
people.
sidenote: Incest is and anagram or nicest. That was almost a funny typo.
J: Now,
in retrospect we know the consequences of the interaction, based on the
historical record. But I think your interpretation is certainly an
over-simplification. A visit to any reservation in the United States--or a virtual visit to a BL Creature website, for that matter--would
reveal that Black Lagoon culture has not disappeared. In fact, many of
these cultures are vibrant. At
the same time, however, any study of the power dynamics between
Americans and Black Lagoon cultures would reveal that the Americans
have frequently dominated, at least on the large scale.
Whatever the reality of the interaction, the question remains: Given the proper
circumstances, could traditional American cultures have co-existed
alongside the cultures of the Creatures, with both remaining relatively
intact and viable?
A: Yes, but was it within our power to remove them originally, ethically?
And, however thriving the culture may seem now, it can only be a small
glimpse of what might have been had we not interfered.
B: True, but much of that culture that we so idolize would most likely
have disappeared with access to technology. I mean we don't speak
sadly of the loss of Feudalism (except [Classified]). Cultures change and
evolve organically, and I think that it is nearly as much of an
unnatural crime to try to encase a culture in amber, stopping it from
evolving, as it is to destroy it. Yes, Europeans and humans killed
many CFtBLs. Yes, European and human encroachment forced them from
many of their native lands/waters/swamps. However, isn't it more than
a little Eurocentric of us to claim that these creatures were incapable
of handling access to our technology and knowledge, that we're entirely
to blame for the state of their culture? That's just specism, to say
that we should have just stayed away. Contact could have been handled
better, certainly, and there is much to regret. But saying that we
destroyed their culture and that we should have just stayed away is
unfair and based on an underlying notion of superiority. You're just
bearing the White Human's Burden, Massa'.
J: If we become to involved with the mistakes of the past, however
much those have effected these creatures, and know I feel for them too,
we forget to take action with the reality of the present.
This is true with the Mummies as well.
We know in recent years the issue of ancient Egyptian armament has
become a growing concern, but is it right to attack these people
prematurely? The United States has taken on the self appointed role of
world bully on this issue. Believing itself the sole country with the
ability to keep these sacred tomes, while belligerently striking out
against other countries that pursue weapons of ancient power, or are
believed to have them in their possession. We now sit on the verge of
war with the Mummy's and we do not even know that they have the weapons.
B: I say that the Mummies brought this war on themselves when they
attacked us. There's no denying at this point that the Mummy leaders
were aware of and involved with the Blood Rains and Plagues of
Locusts. We need to not repeat the mistakes of Vietnam and Iraq: if
we're going to war with the Mummies, I say we go to War.
A: Well, everyone knows that there are no WAP and there never were any
WAP. The whole explanation for the war is based on false intelligence.
This whole "we need to liberate the mummy people" nonsense is just
rationalization for an obvious mistake.
J: The justification you're offering is no more than an attempt to eradicate
the blame infused by poorly made, hasty decisions and forceful actions.
I'm sure that action is necessary, but the use of magical force by the
United States is excessive. Our Mages have said that they could make a
surgical strike and end the problem now. The administration hides behind
prior attacks only as a thinly veiled attempt to secure more
artifacts for themselves.
[Classified information removed]
J: Boo. all i hear is "gay gay gay unicorn fairy rainbow republican."
B: Your mom.
Rumor has it that Bear Grylls, legendary survivor and hotel occupant, may have murdered a member of his camera crew. It seems that Bear was cold, hungry, wet, and seriously ill in the wild mountains of some dumb place to visit, and the cameraman was just standing there filming him, eating a candy bar. The former SAS officer snapped and broke the cameraman's neck. This is not terribly unusual with such shows. Reports related to this incident are more interesting, though, because Bear apparently eschewed the candy bar and simply started tearing off chunks of the fresh kill with his vicious British teeth. Bear, who has the coolest name ever, then calmly picked up the camera and turned it toward himself and explained the best parts of a human corpse to eat (the glutes, it seems) as the rest of the crew looked on in stunned horror.
