Elegant Doom

Law of Fashion 5: White Pants are Nobody's Friend

There exist girls who look really, really good in white pants.  I know this.  It doesn't matter.  Nobody's friend.  Not now, not ever.  Girls that look good in white pants look better in non-white pants.  It's simple physics.  And there are no guys whatsoever that get to wear white pants, no matter how Funky your Bunch may be (that's not a balls joke).

Exception: Like many other rules that are based on basic physics, this does not apply in Miami.  I am not a denizen of that region, and thus cannot explain it.

Law of Fashion 4: Room in Your Pants

Guys are wearing tight pants again.  Ok, I'm willing to accept that the rules of fashion change from time to time.  The Laws of Fashion, however, do not, and this is an absolute: if a man's pants are so tight that other men can see the outlines of individual parts of his junk, then they get to punch whatever parts they can see.  The only exception to this one is for costumes (Halloween, Rocky Horror, stripping), and even then it's a bad, bad thing.

Law of Fashion 3: The Proper Uses of Sleeveless Shirts

In a Post-9/11 World, there are exactly two acceptable reasons for a man to wear a sleeveless shirt outside of his own home or the Olympics:

1.  The sleeveless shirt is an undershirt and is not visible.

B.  The man wearing it is, at that very moment, on stage acting in a play that takes place between 1923 and 1957.

Law of Fashion 2: The Hoodie Exception

No law or rule of fashion applies to hoodies.  The reason is very simple: hoodies aren't articles of clothing, they're friends.  A hoodie is OK to wear anytime that a friend in a similar state of disrepair would be OK to bring.  This does not, of course, apply to a very new hoodie.  A new hoodie is only an acquaintance whom you like very much, and with whom you think you may become friends, and it should be treated as such.

Law of Fashion 1: Wear No Long Sleeves With Shorts

Long sleeves and shorts are not OK for a guy.  It's just unbalanced in a cosmic sense.  Don't do it, you crazy top-heavy bastard.

Exceptions: 

The Hoodie Exception (obviously)

When actually working out, or on the way to or from working out.  There are different rules for this.