That's right, Crazy Raspberry Ants. They're freaking real, and that's actually what they're freaking called.
Crazy. Raspberry. Ants. You heard me. Well, read me.
What nobody really seems to be talking about, though, is that this may be the beginning of the end for this wacky experiment called "humanity." These evil little bastards have invaded Houston, and they're waging war. Effectively. They're smart: if you put down pesticide, they use their own dead to build a bridge over it. They don't fall for the traditional "pride of the hill" mentality that is a great weakness for most ants, so they're willing to have more than one queen per colony (any engineer can tell you that redundant systems means harder to destroy). They also aren't affected by most of our pesticides, and, let's face it, without WMDs against ants, we're pretty well fucked. They also like to kill. Right now they're mostly sticking to bird hatchlings and such, but it won't be long before they move up to pets, then hobos, and from there it'll probably be the President (and by then it might be someone we'd miss!). They kill fire ants, which is very good, but they also like to bite humans, which is less good.
I know what you're thinking: "even though they're tougher than most other ants, why are you so scared, Chicken Little?" Well, first of all, I'm incapable of human fear, and I told you to stop calling me that. Second, it's because they know our weaknesses. They go after the two things that we can't live without: food and the internet. They enjoy killing crop plants by boring tiny holes in the lower stems and sucking out the juices. Those are OUR juices! Even more dastardly, these tiny evil fucks attack and destroy electronics. They're already causing havoc in Houston (no relation to the metal band of the same name, which I assume exists in South America) by taking out the electronics that control pumping stations and other public works. It's not long before they're doing all the stuff that that guy who was in Hitman did in Die Hard 4 (more properly: Live Free or Die Hard).
So, what can we do? Well, in times like this, we normally turn to our traditional ally in all things insect, the Bees. However, the Bees are having their own troubles these days: Colony Collapse Disorder. They're disappearing in ridiculously huge numbers. Do you think that the rise of the Crazy Raspberry Ants and the fall of the Bees is a coincidence? Of course it isn't, you silly, ignorant son of a bitch. The question we have to be asking ourselves is this: what exactly is the connection? I have three theories:
1.) Our Government, in it's infinite wisdom, saw the writing on the wall with our new foe's arrival by cargo ship in 2002. They started calling in our Bee allies for Special Forces training, and soon they will be unleashed upon the Ants. I have faith that they will win.
2.) The Ants are behind the demise of the Bees. They know that the Bees have been allied with Humanity for centuries, and they are sending out their own specially-trained small invasion forces to destroy hives across the country. Most likely many of the Bees that have disappeared are actually deep in hiding.
3.) The Ants have gotten to the Bees. They have convinced them to sit this one out or, Heaven forbid, to actually throw off the heavy yoke of Humanity and ally with the Ants. If this is the case, then, to quote Einstein, "We are well and truly as thoroughly fucked as Oppenheimer's mom."
Our only other option is what we've been kicking around the office here at the Elegant Doom Think Tank headquarters. It is the same option that we had to resort to during the great Independence Day Invasion of 1997: we must Nuke Houston (no relation to the metal band of the same name, which I assume exists in South America). I mean, really, what have we got to lose?
